The idea of love in the romantic sense has been a topic that has fascinated me for as long as I could remember. This may be because I am a self diagnosed hopeless romantic and watch romantic comedies semi-religiously.However, I have noticed a trend throughout my life of love heavily influencing culture and how people generally treat each other. This idea largely sparked recently when I read the article, “Romantic Regimes” written by Polina Aronson who is a Russian sociologist who moved to America as a teenager. In this article, Polina breaks down her experience with love as a teenager and the daunting differences she noticed with how love is viewed in both Russia and American culture. For example, Russian culture largely perceives romantic endeavors through what the author calls the “Regime of Fate”. This is Romeo and Juliet and an extreme perspective towards love by claiming that true love requires some sort of detrimental sacrifice. This is what Polina was raised on. However, she experienced an incredible culture shock when she immigrated to America and was introduced to the “Regime of Choice”. American society describes love as far more focused on each partner’s individual needs and less stress on commitment. This potentially further morphed into polyamory and the growing and necessary stress on consent. Therefore, the culture that a person is raised in shapes how they not only view the world but how they perceive the concept of romantic love.
American society puts an abundance of pressure on the dreaded “L-word”. This is primarily because of how the media portrays healthy relationships especially in movies and television shows. These programs create what I refer to as “the list”. This is the checklist that slightly varies from person to person but generally consists of the rules of how each individual should act in a relationship. Polina briefly explains this in the article as well. For example, she quotes Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider writing, “The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr Right” they break down what a person should do if they want to attract a man. Admittedly this is a rather old fashioned belief that is extremely outdated. It can practically be summed up as not paying attention to a man so they would be attracted to you and make the first move. In classic television programs such as I Love Lucy they display classic American ideals towards romantic relationships from a single sentence that Lucy utters. She is explaining to her friend Ethel that , “Getting a man is just like swimming, once you’ve learned you never forget”. This perfectly represents the old fashioned, American perspective on love because of the mere fact that it is a woman’s duty to learn how to attract a man and that it is a skill it even can be learned rather than simply occur by chance or fate. However, as time went on America began to change and their view on love followed as well. This already relatively free thinking country began to truly branch out and have an explosion of inclusivity and boundless expression beginning in the late 1970s and continuing to grow in the present day. As a result, their view on romantic relationships morphed into far looser, non committal or restrictive relationships. There of course are exceptions to this because every human being thinks and perceives the world differently. However, there is no denying that polyamory, the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with all members consenting, is a phenomenon that’s popularity has skyrocketed in recent years. For example, Elisabeth A. Sheff has studied polyamours families for fifteen year and wrote an article titled, “How Many Polyamorists in the US ”. Her findings were complicated due to the fact that she concluded that the exact number of polyamorists in the United States is virtually impossible to figure out, however she predicted that there are approximately 1.2 to 2.4 million polyamorists currently living in America (Sheff 1). This growing free willed perspective on love aligned with the growing importance of self expression that was occurring in the late two thousands and the early two thousand tens. For instance, as this self expressionist revolution began to make an appearance in the media as Woody Alln’s movie titled “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” hit the theaters. This film was focussed on a pair of women that go on a vacation in Barcelona and run into a damaged playboy artist which causes an exploration of love, sexuality, and experimentation to ensue. Surprisingly, this movie was not praised for its subtlety but rather the sense of unforgivable forgettable that several critics picked up on. In my opinion, this is the perfect reflection of the form of romance the film was attempting to convey. This is because the polyamorous ideals displayed in the movie is deeply rooted in a lack of committal intent as well as lack of care for the stigma that it holds. As a result, this movie was viewed as silly, insignificant, but wildly entertaining. It was solely created to please the viewers and make them feel content which is precisely the goal of modern western love.Therefore, the rise in stressing individualistic ideas and the internal needs of people aligns with the rise in non-monogamous behaviors in America.
I am sure it is no surprise that on the entire other side of the world romantic relationships are viewed differently. Most notably, Russian culture is far less focussed on free philosophy but rather order which is fascinating when taking into account how they view love. This is the clearest when analyzing old russian proverbs that are used as guides for how to behave in everyday life. For example, sayings such as, “Work is a wolf, it will not run away to the woods” and “Endure, [and you will] fall in love” perfectly encapsulates the stress on order, sacrifice and endurance that is put on russian society. The first proverb has a rather interesting meaning by explaining that working requires patience and should not lean towards chaos because the job is not going anywhere until complete. As a result, it can be concluded that followers of this proverb would be strong minded and patient. The second proverb is crucial to a russian view on love because it can be interpreted to mean that you can fall in love simply by staying with your partner despite possibly not even caring for them at first, anyone can learn to love. The vast majority of Russians believe that there can not be love without sacrifice and struggle. Unsurprisingly, these ideals are also displayed in popular russian media. For example, the one of the most popular shows in Russia was “How I Met Your Mother” which originally was American but had an abundance of russian ideals instilled in it. This is most evident in the seventeenth episode in season nine which includes Ted Mosby explaining love.
Ted Mosby exclaims that , “If you’re looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, its love!” (Season 9 episode 17). This is precisely how the general Russian community views love. For example, Russians strongly believe love to be a call from an existential source that is impossible to resist and both people in the relationship must sacrifice some aspect of themself to the other person to show their love. This is a rather popular ideal in eastern cultures which is known as the previously mentioned, Regime of Fate. The idea of a romantic regime that requires any aspect of suffering directly clashes with the western regimes of choice. This is because in the west it is popular for both partners to simply accept each other’s flaws and no one has to change or give up an aspect of who they are. This clash of ideals was perfectly displayed on the television program 90 Day Fiance when the Ukranian and American couple talk about if they love each other. To preface, before this interview the couple has been having numerous problems revolving around religion and both partners’ stubbornness. This is primarily due to the fact that the ukranian fiance wants to convert her atheist partner to christianty and he refuses. During the interview they ask Natalie, the ukranian fiance, if she loves Mike and all she can say is that she thinks that they have potential and that love has to grow through a lot of difficult situations first. Natalie is accurately reflecting her Russian ideals through claiming that in order to say that she loves her partner and mean it they must survive difficulty together and sacrifice. This could also have contributed to why she was so adamant about Mike converting his religion, she has yet to see any form of sacrifice from him. She sacrificed her home by saying that she will eventually move to America with him yet she has not been met halfway which could definitely put stress on a relationship. Therefore, Russian culture causes members in a relationship to feel a deep, almost extreme passion in the romance because of the fact that both care immensely enough for each other to sacrifice something they hold near and dear for their partner.
I personally connect to both aspects of eeastern and western romantic ideals. This is because I am both an American as well as Russian and Polish jew. Unfortunately, this sometimes causes an internal clash since they do have an abundance of opposing ideas. For example, I fully believe that compromise is essential in any relationship as well as being accepted for who you are and not having to change. This is closely connected to the regime of choice by being more focussed on appreciating who the person or people truly is/are. Contrarily, I am pretty strongly monogamous. I am not entirely sure the exact reason why but it is rooted in the fact that I could never imagine being in a polyamourous while still having equal feelings towards each partner. Once I realized I had strong feelings towards one partner I would have to cut it off with the others or else I would feel as though I am leading them on. This is a rather russian perspective towards love because they say that you can love anyone with enough time but never do they say you can love multiple people. That is because polygomy directly contradicts the idea of fate. Fate in terms of relationships generally revolves around the idea of a person’s one true soulmate and when a person is in a fated relationship it is one where they learn and grow immensely as a person. This of course is simply my opinion and can vary from person to person. Nevertheless, Russian’s widely believed in love to be an otherworldly force that pulls two people together, which strongly connected to the idea of fate. However, I do not agree with the idea of shared suffering being a part of the concept of love. This is because when love is true it should be more rooted in enjoying every aspect of their partner, even the flaws. As a result, sacrificing a part of who you are to merely prove the validity of your feelings is not necessary. In terms of sacrifice, I believe that sacrificing your pre-existing home or the weight of your family’s words or judgement is a natural part of growing up. Overtime, especially once you’ve found love, it is normal for one’s priorities to change and be more centered around their partner rather than their guardian and family members. However, there should be no need to sacrifice safety and health for “love” because that is far too extreme and demonstrates not a true sense of care for eachother. In conclusion, the concept of love can be complicated and convoluted because it is shaped from a combination of internal and external sources. Anything from the movies we watch to the children’s book read to us as children molds how people view romance.
Let me know your philosophy on love and romance and if it is more aligned with the east or the west!
Bibliography
- Aronson, Polina. “Russia against the Western Way of Love – Polina Aronson: Aeon Essays.” Aeon, Aeon, 23 Mar. 2020, aeon.co/essays/russia-against-the-western-way-of-love.
- Elena. “88 Famous Russian Proverbs and Sayings, and Their Meanings.” Elena’s Models, 25 Oct. 2016, blogs.elenasmodels.com/en/famous-russian-proverbs-sayings.
- Sheff, Elisabeth. “How Many Polyamorists Are There in the U.S.?” Psychology Today, 9 May 2014, http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201405/how-many-polyamorists-are-there-in-the-us.
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